The First Doll Battle Royal: No Holds Barred in the Crib

I’ve been presented with a conundrum. My baby daughter was kindly given similar dolls by two different people, and both proclaim to be her "First Doll" on their clothing. This creates a paradox: both claim the title, but only one can truly be the first. So, how should the winner be decided?

After consulting with my six month old daughter and the ghost of Jack Tunney, we have decided that the only real solution is to hold a No Holds Barred Battle Royal Style Crib Match at Saturday Night’s Main Event.

The rules are as follows: both dolls will enter the crib with my daughter. Whoever battles the longest and stays in the crib without being thrown over the "top rope" (the side of the crib) will be declared the True First Doll. Victory cannot be attained via pinfall or submission; a doll only wins when their opponent is thrown over the top rope and both of their feet touch the floor.

DraftKings has declared the doll with the hat the slight favorite due to her size advantage. however, other commentators note that the smaller doll has a rattle inside of her adding weight and serving as a potential weapon in a No Holds Barred environment.

My daughter will act as the special guest referee. Currently, we are negotiating with Netflix, Peacock, Fox, and the USA Network for broadcast rights. We are also looking to secure Jesse "The Body" Ventura wrestler, actor, Navy SEAL, conspiracy theorist, and the 38th Governor of Minnesota for color commentary.

We will have more on this story as it develops.